Count It

If you want to find out why a kid is so ugly, look at its parents.  I guarantee you its parents will both be very good-looking, or at least way above average.  (Notice that each time I describe this kid, I’ll refer to him or her as “it”.  I can type quicker that way and I also don’t see this kid as a real person.)

When a new baby is born, we see signs that say, “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl.”  That’s because babies come out ugly as hell.  We might give that thing a gender, but notice the word that starts that phrase.  ”It’s.”  It’s always better to plan for the worst.  Maybe it’ll turn out to be one of the good ones, but we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.  It could end up having a lazy eye with one ear lobe that dangles while the other doesn’t.

Do you want to know why you see hot girls with ugly guys?  Because they know they’ll be giving their kid a chance in life.  Plus it doesn’t hurt that this ogre of a man has had to make up for his countless deformities by making loads of cash.  A hot girl wants a kid just like the rest of the girls.  Why?  Because she has a vagina.  She wants to use it to bring life, not pleasure us men.  If you found one that wants to do both, jackpot.

You know why people see a good looking couple and say, “Their kids are going to be so adorable”?  They know that, in reality, the kid’s going to come out looking like Corky Thatcher’s dumber brother.

Whenever you see a cute kid, aren’t you surprised at how god awfully disgusting the parents are.  They got together as a sacrifice to the world.  They knew they’d be hard to look at when we saw them in public together, but giving birth to that one beautiful kid was worth it. 

And why do good looking couples often decide not to have kids?  They might have just enough brains to realize that any offspring they create will be a crime against nature.  They know, just as well as the rest of us, that their kid will have it rough.  People would say to it’s parents, “Oh.  Such a cute baby.”  As they walk away they mumble to each other, “Such a shame.”

We all know the truth, but it’s hard to be honest when you’re looking Brad and Angelina in the face.  Guess why all their kids are adopted.    

Evolution has been going on forever.  Mistakes are no longer acceptable.

People should be able to tell when a conversation has stopped being interesting.  I’ve talked to people and they go on and on with a story.  I don’t contribute.  I just say things like, “Yeah,” “Obviously,” “OK,” Of Course,” and that’s all I have.  These people keep going and there’s no way to make them stop.  They’ll go right from one story to another too.  It’s this never-ending monologue.  Stories shouldn’t be allowed to exceed two minutes when spoken aloud.  Reading from a book might be an exception, but then again people might read out loud slowly and try to emphasize every word.  Sometimes it’s nice for people to simply shut up.  There’s a point when you stop paying attention completely and start thinking about how easy it would be to punch this person in the throat.  Can’t people tell that I’m bored and just want to leave?  If there are examples of everyday torture, this is one of them. 

I have made the move from Philadelphia, PA to Los Angeles, CA.  It’s a huge change.  Drivers are much kinder here than in Philly, anyone walking outside wears sunglasses, and there are way more choices for fast food.  Way more!  There are more differences that I will eventually come to in other posts, but a difference that stands out the most is rain.  It is literally the biggest piece of news that local stations can get their hands on.  It’s the first and longest story covered.  You’d think that the city would be flooded by one night of rainfall, which isn’t the case.  An earthquake recently struck and was felt throughout Los Angeles.  What was the biggest story of that night you may ask?  The possibility of rain hitting the city.  The rain missed us, by the way.  Everywhere I went, people talked about how they’re going to deal with rain and how it’s going to ruin their day.  It was a huge surprise.  I think that inhabitants of L.A. need to remember that they’re a half hour or less from the Pacific, they shower everyday, and the human body is made up of about 65 percent water.  Water falling from the sky shouldn’t be our #1 fear.  Jon Bon Jovi should be.    

Can a name actually describe a person?

This is a question I often ask myself.  The answer would most likely be no.  However, I think that a person’s name can lead people to assumptions that aren’t correct.

We can hear a name of a person we don’t know and get an immediate idea of what we think they look like.  Then, once we meet them, we are disappointed that what we expected isn’t even close to what’s in front of us.  I don’t mean that in a negative way.   I think we’re disappointed because we were wrong.

If I hear a name like Reginald Duchwether, I expect to meet a man wearing either a crown or high healed shoes.  If I came face to face with this man, he could be wearing a pair of Chuck Taylor’s and a hat that says, “Why not?”

Having a name without a face is like having a car without a stearing wheel.  You don’t know what’s going to happen.

Everyone loves sleep, but one of the coolest things our brain does to us is dream.  I do have weird ass dreams, but not nightmares.  I don’t know what goes through my head when I’m sleeping, but it’s never dull.

Real life is full of boring moments.  People sit a lot.  Dreams, however, jump from one place to the next so it never gets boring.  You’re thrown from one place to the next, while never questioning how you got there.

I don’t know how it works for most people, but I have never died in any of my dreams.  At least the ones I can remember.  I have been thrown or leaped off hundreds of buildings in my sleep and I’ve always landed on my feet.  Maybe I floated down, maybe I flew to safety, or maybe I hit the ground as hard as possible and simply stood back up, unharmed.

Understanding what dreams mean is something that I’ll never really figure out.  If I could, I’d be a god among men.  I may not know what they actually mean, but it’s fun trying to figue out why the dream happened the way it did.

One of the best parts of remembering a dream is figuring out why something was there.  An example would be:  Why was your 5th grade English teacher in my dream?  The answer may be because you were out the night before, saw a girl that looked similar to your teacher, and that’s why you were getting yelled by your English teacher.  You may not have been able to figure out why she was yelling at you in Minnesota.

So much shit goes on in our heads that I’ll never understand, but it’s pretty amazing.  Something that’s sad, but very true, is our brains work so much harder when we’re sleeping.  If we could use the parts of our brain that comes alive while we’re sleeping, who knows what we’d be able to do?

We’d be moving stuff without touching them and never need a telephone again.  Just think of a person and you’re linked.  Is this scientific fact?  No, but it would be cool nonetheless.  If we start to use more than the 10%, things will be get very interesting, and maybe a little scary.

I was walking my dog this evening and, as I walked around the baseball fields near my house, there were a handful of people out walking. Seeing people so near home that you have never seen before really makes you think about everything going on around you. I must have passed about twenty people who live in my own neighborhood and I didn’t know one of them. Each person I passed has his or her own unique existence.

Life’s so intricate and full of detail. I have countless experiences everyday, which means that so many other people have just as many, if not more.

Each experience is different than another. Even if someone had been in the same situation I had, it may have a completely different affect on that person. If one life can be so diverse everyday, what must be going on in another city, or country, or even another planet?

I have an opinion on the grand scheme of things like everyone else, but I won’t go into that. All I know is the universe is big and getting bigger. One of my favorite poems, by Stephen Crane, is called A Man Said to the Universe. The poem is short. It goes:

A man said to the Universe:

“Sir, I exist!”

“However,” replied the Universe,

“The fact has not created in me

A sense of obligation.

So few could get this point across so well. Maybe the universe has no stake in our lives, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone is given so many opportunities. Some are taken, some aren’t. The point is that each decision, no matter how big or small, is somehow changing an aspect of our lives, whether it’s our state of mind or the world around us. What other living thing is so fortunate enough to live such an eventful life?

We’re all lucky to even be here.

Are you ever envious when you see someone riding down the street in a motorized wheelchairs scooter?  Because I often am.  Obviously I don’t want to lose the option of walking, but it would be pretty sweet to have a Hoveround to cruise in, especially one that has a little basket in the front.  Who needs pockets when they have a basket?

The great thing about seeing people in motorized wheelchairs is you don’t judge them.  Even if it looks like they have nothing actually wrong with them, you think that what they have has got to be so freaking terrible because it’s an inner problem.

You do, however, judge those douche bags on those motorized scooters that they put together in their garage with an old lawn mower engine.  They quickly go from the street to the sidewalk without hesitation.  They can ride those things straight off the Sears Tower for all I care.  Let me tell you something motor scooter drivers, you will suck at life for as long as you ride those things.  Get a Hoveround and you will win back my respect.

I’ve noticed that people give the courtesy wave less and less when driving.  I don’t mind letting people in when there’s traffic and they can’t seem to find a break in the cars, but show a little respect for the kind person allowing you in.  A little rise of the hand is all you have to do.  I’m not saying get out of your car at the next red light and thank the person for letting you in, just wave.  It’s not even a wave, it’s a lift.  It takes a second and the person letting you in will feel like they’ve actually done something today. 

On a separate note, people who are trying to get out of a parking lot or space may be given a wide opening to get onto street, but they might not be paying attention because they are texting or talking on the phone.  People like this need to pay attention.  You probably have this nice person letting you in, but you don’t know because you’re “busy”.  Here’s a thought:  put all matters aside when entering traffic.  You don’t want to leave someone stopped for an extended amount of time while you’re talking to you’re girlfriend/boyfriend about how much you love potato salad.

What is this need we have to celebrate someone’s birth once every year.  All we’re really doing is saying, “Congratulations on not dying.”  What we’re really telling these people is you’re another year closer to death.  It’s not that most people care about a birthday, but they’re looking for an excuse to eat enormous amount of cake and ice cream on a day that holds no real importance.  I don’t like cake and I’m not a huge fan of ice cream either, so where does that leave me?  The answer to that is nowhere.  People even get bummed out because they know now they are a year older and haven’t really done anything with that year.  You can say I did this and I did that, but most of a person’s time is spent on sleeping, eating, and other mundane tasks that never change.  Why do people get upset about their age on their birthday?  If that’s the case, they should be a downer everyday because they know they’ll be older the next day.  They not only feel bad themselves, but they bring everyone else down around them.  Do everyone a favor and stay in on your birthday.  People don’t need to feel shitty just because you aged the same as as every other living thing on the planet.  Time doesn’t stop, so who gives a shit?  My guess is a lot of people move away from home and their families so no one will ever know when they’re brithday is.  If anyone should happen to ask, you can just reply by saying, “Oh it just passed.”  Here’s a little idea.  Let’s give up on the whole birthday celebrating once someone turn 21.  After 21 it’s all downhilll because you know that in 9 years you’re going to be 30.  Once a person 30 they’re thinking, “My god what happened to my 20s?”  After 30 you know 40s coming and now you know you’re screwed.  If we stop counting at 21, we’ll be doing everyone a favor.     

When a person walks anywhere it becomes a miniature journey.  Sometimes you know where you want to go and other times you want to see where you can be taken.  Even walking in a mall can lead you somewhere interesting.  Some people choose to walk on the right side, others on the left, but there should be some guidelines for these walkers.  When walking at a mall, or even on the street for that matter, it would make more sense to walk on the right.  We drive on the right.  We do it so there won’t be an accident.  The same should go for walking.  We don’t want to walk into another person.  It’s rare to see a human collision, but they do happen.  I’ve seen it and it’s not pretty.  Funny yes, pretty no.  Sometimes you walk directly in another persons path and both do a little dance to avoid the oncoming person.  Walking on the right would also allow people to avoid those they may not wish to encounter.  If your walking right side of the street and someone you can’t stand is on the opposite side, you may be forced to say hi.  However, that would most likely not lead to an entire conversation.  The person would have to make the voyage across the street and stop you in your tracks.  If this run-in occurred when the two walk on the same side, this would either lead to an unwanted conversation or and uncomfortable walk by when you don’t know whether you have to stop of if you can keep walking.  All of these problems could be avoided if people walked the way they drove.  The same would go for countries like Britain, except they would walk on the left.  Everyone can enjoy the occasional run-in, but they aren’t always in the mood for it.  This little adjustment to civilization would allow for a smoother walk and less problems for the walker.